Catching Dog Shit - The best home videos are here
I wonder if Larry (The Pug) really understands how close he came to receiving XXIVII. He has been given several opportunities today to go out and to do his "Business" as it were. As I sat briefly on the couch, I caught him. He wasn't looking out the door and wining, as if to say, "Boy I am so sorry but I need to go out and drop a rotten spike. I know I have had three or four prior opportunities, but I could really use this opportunity to go out now and do it". No, this is not what happened. He circled, not for 20 minutes outside, or even near the door, he went over to the far corner of the room and squatted right there.
The funny thing is, even though I booted him in mid- pinch, he still had enough time to pinch off three loaves. I tell you he is one lucky Pug. This was no accident and he was not penned up for hours without the opportunity to make the right choice. This is a direct violation of house rules.
You may try and argue that he was trying to warn us. FOUL, PISH POSH. I saw no warning. All I saw was complete and utter disrespect. You may be curious why an animal like Larry would do such a thing? Here is the answer and we can draw real-world parallels. There is no deterrent. Without swift justice, there can be no change in behavior.
Larry has proven time and time again that he is D I R T Y. Growing up, dirty animals "went to the farm". In my later years I have come to the understanding that "going to the farm" was code for "Get the pipe", "ride the lightning" or be "put to sleep". Unfortunately for me and fortunately for the D I R T Y pug, my wife will not let this happen. She will be perfectly fine with bear-handing dog excrement with shopping bags and hosing down the Tan Berber carpet with Pet Stain Treatment. I on the other hand am quite upset with the dog treating this house like a toilet.
Although I will not be able to Pipe Larry, he will OBEY.
This is how.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/mpd/permalink/mB6BWBQ4W30MA
In this self-assessment, I was able to draw some important conclusions.
First, I realize I was in a constant state of restlessness. This comes from a mind full of random things, 24/7. A never-ending high speed movie of random images and content, played at 30x the regular speed.
This package comes complete with no “OFF” switch. No way to slow it down, tune it out, or pull the plug whatsoever. Now take a moment to think about this in your life, for as long as you can remember. Every single day of it.
Imagine reading something and not picking up the content. Now imagine having to read the same material a half dozen or more times to pick up the same content most people get on the first read.
Imagine someone talking to you, but the words are muted from a hodgepodge of background noise and disturbance.
Imagine not being able to have prolonged conversations of any nature, with loved ones, friends and coworkers. Sit and talk with your wife? Better make it quick, there’s something else turning in the garbage grinder that is your mind. Patience? Forget about it. There can’t be patience when you can’t have peace, when your mind is worn out from a marathon of thoughts. Try to sleep? Better work yourself into exhaustion first.
Second conclusion, the HD part. I couldn’t sit still. Impulsive actions, songs, noises, dances, statements. You can imagine all the fun that must go with that. It’s funny when you’re a kid, not so much when you are an adult. It gets old.
I am experiencing peace for the first time in my life. And I love it. I think my wife loves the new me even more. No more never-ending high speed movie of random images and content, played at 30x the regular speed. We talk more now than ever, and I enjoy talking with her. We laugh together a lot more. We enjoy each other’s company more.
I can focus on what I choose to focus on. I haven’t had an impulsive urge to sing, dance, or make random noises since I took my first pill just a few days ago.
I wish I could sit down with you now Mum and talk, you’d be beside yourself in amazement. And like always, I’m sure we’d laugh until our cheeks hurt.
Thanks be to God
Num. 6:24-26
Thank You.
Nancy J. Stewart
Mom,
Thank you for believing in me. Especially those times when I was in doubt.
I wish that you could see me now. It all worked out. I actually have a home of my own, no more renting and moving about. We had our first Thanksgiving here and it was a blessing to have so many friends and family near. We took down our unity candle and it flickered on the table. Before we ate, I said grace and thanked the Lord for all of my blessings. So much has happened in the last two years. I am trying so hard to be there for Dad, but it makes me sad that I cannot be there all the time.
I wish you could just spend one more day and see all that has happend. No more falling asleep in class, no more 3rd shift. Shawn is struggling in school, but I know with prayer and a lot of patience, things will turn around. Corienne is doing great, all A's. Things are actually civil with Jenn and I and it feels good that way. We became members of a new church on Sunday. I know that you would like it there. The Lord is actually there, The church is a reconciliation church, which tries to live out Jesus' radical love through action and compassion. It was very nice to hear the pastor and many parishioners mention that our arrival was answered prayer. I never had doubts that the Lord makes moves for His glory. It seems that the gifts we possess, where just what was needed...imagine that, some God, huh?
I am feeling better now and actually need to go to bed and take my contacts out before they weld in my head. I love you and miss you deeply. I carry your memory and words with me always. I pray that God will always remind me that everything works to the Good, for His glory forever and ever. Thank you for showin me the path.
Your Loving Son,
BB
It is embarrassing to recall to a stranger all the things you do and have done on a constant basis that are not commensurate with your age. The silly songs, the kneeing of the nuts of family members and all other impulsive actions that go along with being ADHD.
Forgetting things, being unable to maintain attention for seconds at a time and foolish noises are just the surface of a much longer suffering. Some find it funny, but it isn’t. It’s an actual disorder.
It is harder when you are someone who believes you are control 100% of your own actions. That’s me. I am sorry for the trouble and headaches I have caused as a result of my actions over the years. I am a walking hypocrite. I have little patience; so I have little room or excuse for my own behavior.
My shout out’s start here: For my mother. An angel and saint. This woman had nothing but love and patience for the kid who was described by some as a discipline problem, incorrigible. Nobody could have had a better mother than I did. She would be proud to know I swallowed my pride and finally asked for help. Thanks Mom for your unfailing love. Dad, you are a trooper! Inheriting your patience level, I would have said that little Jimmy ran away, and hid the fresh dirt mound in the backyard as best I could if I were you.
It’s a bitch when you are self-aware. When you know you aren’t like everyone else, when you don’t behave “normally”.
I am categorized as “high-functioning”. By some’s standards, I have been relatively successful. I have compensated for my deficiencies with specialized routines, reminders and habits that have allowed me to band-aid my shortcomings in order to succeed. But you can only do so much. As we get older, it gets harder.
Here’s to new beginnings.
Sometimes the winds of change blow in. Today was that day. Unfortunately for my nine year old son, Shawn, that day was today. Soon he would find out that his dear father had turned to the dark side of the force. I am by all rights, a card carrying member of the GCU(Good Cop Union). When strife and conflict occur, I am the one to step in and show mercy.
Today was a different day. On my way up the stairs I decided to enter Shawn's room. I do remember daily asking the wee lad if he had a clean room. I remember being specific too. ...
Nothing is laying in bags , or thrown into cabinets and stuffed into holes, right? The answer was never "No". It was "yup" or "lemme check". In the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that the duration of the "lemme checks" couldn't have been more than five minutes. As you can see by my snapshots above, It took me at least 20 minutes to fish legos and papers, crayons and gi joes from every hole and crevice in that room. I took a page from my mother's playbook. All the booty was placed on the bed in order to bring attention to what needed to be cleaned. I found papers and trinkits that could never have accidently found their way undernieth and behind his headboard. His bed is brand new and frankly beautiful. It has a cool headboard with built-in book case. I found books under the covers, on the floor behind his bed and in his closet. The books that made it to the book shelf looked like someone shot them out of a bazooka at the bookcase.
It was at this moment that I hatched the plan. He would never expect this in a million years. I spoke of my plans to the BCU(Bad Cop Union) leader, Alicia(My wife) over lunch later in the day. The plan was that I would set my macbook up on the headboard of Shawn's bed. I would aim the iSite camera at the doorway, careful to frame a partial of the mountain of "clean room" in the shot. I then hit broadcast and away it was to ustream.tv.(I love this stuff!!!)
**Side Note. I mean really, 5 years ago, who could have imagined that I would be able to capture this stuff live with FiOS and a Macbook. *** End of Side Note.
So Alicia and I sat in my home office in front of my Windows 7 desktop and had the feed up on one monitor and Facebook on the other. The tension was incredible. When Shawn arrived home from school, he was smiley as always. he even was bold and commented about the aroma of Mom's delicious chilli, which was warming on the stove. I asked Shawn to put down his backpack because I had a surprise for him. I had left a surprise for him in his room. He had to try and guess what it was first. He smiled and guessed a skateboard rack(side note. the stinkin skateboard was under the rubble on his bed, too! funny how it had a nice little home in the pool shed.) I told him, "Good guess, but it's much bigger!" After hearing this I could see him leaping for joy inside. He must have been thinking wow golly, I can't believe this. I have lied my tail off about everything, brought terrible grades home from school and I get a huge surprise!?
I told him that there were rules. He could go up and see, but not touch. Then he had to come down stairs and write on two index cards, what he thought of the surprise and how he felt. The following is a link to the video You may want to skip to approx. 13:20 in the video :
If the video doesn't render properly, check it out at http://www.ustream.tv/lolconcepts
Below you will find the index cards
Above is a diagram of a healthy inner ear. I can only conclude that after spending every weekday sitting at the kitchen table across from my 4th grade son that at this age, damage to the inner ear occurs.
My theory stems from the content of the conversation that appears Matrix-esque, dotted with de ja vu. Each interaction with the boy goes like this;
Parent: "So what's this i see in your bag?"
Boy: "I don't know."
Parent: "I thought you didn't have spelling words."
Boy: "I didnt have time to write them down." sniff sniff
Parent: "Oh and look at this, there is even a need little ink stamp that says "FOLLOW DIRECTIONS"
Boy: sniff sniff
Parent: "...and look at this word...you misspelled it three different ways."
Boy: "I thought it was right"
Parent: "The word is in the question you were answering."
Boy: "I didn't see it"
Parent: "Is this your best handwriting?"
Boy: "No"
Parent: "Why did you do it then?"
Boy:"I don't know"
Parent:"What kind of answer is,"I thought it was good, because she wanted to do it after they all went over to that place."
Boy"I don't know"
Parent:"Did you even read this?"
Boy:"Yes"
Parent:"Go to your room and think about this"
After being lied to time and time again and the boy forgetting something that was explained to him just moments ago, leads to one conclusion...inner ear damage or the need for a surgically installed helmet.
EOT
What was this dumf_ck thinking?
I know people with jobless wives, carrying around an extra 20-70lbs to boot, they don’t have much in life except the opportunity to get some strange when it presents itself. What do they do? They go home to their jobless wives, carrying around an extra 20-70lbs, that’s what they do, they go home and swing the club on their own green. It ain't Turtle Bay, but it's home.
Is his business my business? Absolutley not……….but bitch please! Give me 1% of the money he INVESTS each month, and I will feel like Leo on the bow.
And I’ll take a pass on the strange, thanks.
Have you ever wondered why you even bother going through the motions of receiving a paycheck?I too often wonder why. I mean lets consider. You slave through work in order to receive said paycheck. You get to temporarily see the check, or perhaps even hold it in your hand. No No, don't go getting carried away, because then you must go to that little bill basket that is holding the wall up in the front room. Soon you discover that all that money you thought you had, is purely a dream.
Sure, you may say that I am "squeeming" just a tad too loud. You may be right. after-all, I do have a nice home, with nice things, food on the table and cars in the driveway. All this costs. As does the monthly educational installments that are scheduled to conclude 6 months before the house is paid off.
Looks like there needs to be another blog posting about the cost of higher education in this country.
-gluTTon
If you see this commercial, you will be subjected to an impotent attempt to sway you and everyone else from eating turkey. In keeping with PETA’s common theme of misplaced effort, you won’t be disappointed; they haven’t strayed from it.
This time, you are invited to the Thanksgiving table of some random family, and a sweet little girl is saying grace. The girl gives a detailed list of thanks for the mistreatment of turkeys in turkey farms. The family members seated around the table gave looks of shame as the list of turkey mistreatment was rattled off by little Suzy.
Now I can’t speak for all Americans, but I will say this; I don’t agree with animal abuse. I don’t condone it, I don’t support it, and I certainly don’t take part in it. Does this mean I am going Vegan, certainly not.
Now my question to PETA is this? Did you expect America to watch that commercial on Thanksgiving Day and subsequently be moved to throw the turkey in the trash, and order up soy meatloaf au gratin for the family seated at my table?
Well done. Please pat yourself on the back, but first pass the gravy.
Forgot Your Lunch Again?
Yes my friends, I suffer from this. I have come to the realization. It is futile to remember, it will "fall off your chip™" We guys have so much to remember, passwords, skills, commands, programming languages....Unfortunately some things have a lower priority on the chip, such as verbal commands, from high decibel sources, and our lunches.
Scientists are now discovering more about the "chip™". They are realizing that synaptic birth is finite and once your limit has been reached, you simply must purge. Empty the recycle bin, or do as most of us do. Impliment a tuning policy to discard certain information before it makes it to the cerebral cortex. So there it is my friends...Its not the end of the world, you forgot your lunch!
It may appear to start harmlessly enough. When that cool 80's song comes on the radio, you may feel your leg start to twitch. This is all normal for ordinary people. It is not normal to start full on spastics once the riff hits, however. When you hear that song on the radio and your natural animalistic tendency is to seek out the closest human smaller than yourself and inflict bodily harm and annoyances, then my friend you need help.
When you find it necessary to call family and friends on their mobile devices and when they don't answer, leave messages claiming that you are from some established credible organization.... You need to seek treatment. This is especially evident when after a soft tone in your conversation you spike the decibels up to ear bleeding with such buzz words as "HAAAA!"
If any of the above scenarios seem all too familiar, I urge you to do the right thing. Clear your mind of all false hopes that you will make Gummy Bear Juice from Gummy Bears (Even Black Forrest Ones) in a shot glass. Abandon hope of creating chocolate sauce from morsals....It will only succeed in ruining a good measuring cup. If you were to purchase a HAA Click Oink Snapp Woo Hoo, do not tell your mother about it. This scar leaves a lasting mark.
...Lastly I must tell you , if you have the urge to handcuff younger sibling's hands behind there backs and push them face first into the lawn or even out of the blue knee your own father in the jewels, you need to do society a 'solid' and check into the local shrinks couch for a few one-on-ones.
P.S.
Don't mention that you hear voices in you head, some people actually answer yes to that one.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!