Ever notice that bums are very clever in that they will slowly ease themselves into your life without you realizing they are a parasitic soul-sucker? They start off harmless enough in appearance, they may have even helped you by watching your pets while you went on vacation, or cut your lawn. Shit, they may have even brought a 12-pack of beer over to your house and left a can behind as a show of their selflessness. But that’s how they get in. Now once they are in, they embed themselves like a tick, and slowly suck your life force away like a 3rd world case of high pressure diarrhea.
These people count on our good upbringing and polite demeanor to keep them from hitting the curb in the ass over teakettle hip toss that they really deserve. These oxygen to CO2 conversion plants are so great in number, that you yourself have undoubtedly fallen victim to them.
Here are some warning signs for you to watch for:
1. You are cooking food and they somehow smell your cooking 2 towns away and show up uninvited.
2. They throw a log thru your antique gas pump out of anger because you ran out of food; a week later they come back feeling you have had ample time to “get over it”. (see W/S #1)
3. After a cookout and they have already show up uninvited and eaten enough for 4 guests, they come back with Tupperware to take back some “leftovers”. When you tell them that you have nothing more for them, they chuck the Tupperware over the fence into your neighbors yard (that has a job) and stomp off cursing you.
4. Their parents don’t want them hanging out at their house (after the kids are over 40, I tend to support that feeling) so they come over to your house to waste time since their “asshole parents” wouldn’t let them keep a tree fort. At which time they borrow your stuff, break it or never return it. They drink your beer, eat your food, stay too long and alienate your normal friends that actually have jobs, common sense, and personal property worth over $25. These types are the black knights of leeching. Politely obtain a restraining order.
I hope this helps. I need a cold compress from the pain of sharing.
-Junk
