Talkback with Junk

A Case for God

2011-03-03T06:40:00.000-08:00

I once heard God and Heaven described as a coin. Find a coin, hold it up in front of you. Make sure that you are holding it so that you are seeing the "tails" side. Now, lets pretend that you have never seen this coin before, and do not know if there is anything on the other side. I tell you now that indeed there is something on the other side. You are not able to turn the coin to see for yourself, instead in faith you must believe.

So what does that mean? In short, the case for God is this. It is rarely the case that someone would be able to converse with someone who has seen God and returned to convince you. We must believe in God and Jesus Christ, through faith alone. If we believe in God and life eternal through Jesus Christ and it is not fact, what have we lost? If we do not believe, and the only way to salvation is through Christ, we have lost everything.

I close today with posing this to you...have you ever seen an ultrasound of a baby? Have you looked into those eyes or held a tiny hand? You have seen God. Now go tell someone!

Sepi 4 Prez 2012

2010-09-21T18:43:00.000-07:00

A rare interview with Presidential Candidate Sepi

2012 Candidates Impromptu Interview from Bryan W. Stewart on Vimeo.

The FBI Showed up, and it was Epic

2010-09-21T18:17:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Comee Commee.." have you ever been told that someone could or would "crush your head before you reached the door?" No? Well I'm not going to keep this all to myself then. Oh and for those that may already know, the Sep™ sit back and relax, it's time to board the way back train.

The FBI Showed up, and it was Epic from Bryan W. Stewart on Vimeo.

Timing is everything

2010-09-21T17:28:00.000-07:00

One must refrain from "Making the Wrong Choice™" in some instances. I will be the first to admit that this prospect is hard to bear when you have been wronged. I often wonder what sort of story my ex has concocked and spoonfed my daughter. I am sure she has had questions. Why "I left". People that have made mistakes, and we all have, tend to try and color the picture in a way to make them "the good guy". The problem is that you cannot hide from the truth. Sure, you may think that by making up stories and bending the truth, somehow buys you another day of feeling ok about what happened, well. There does come a time when you run out of stories. A day when the truth will be known. I wonder what that day will be like? I am sure that my ex has convinced my daughter that her daddy "left her mommy, or her mommy left her daddy because he "kissed another girl"". It breaks my heart to think for a minute that my daughter would believe that. Ya see the truth is a lot different. Daddy actually tried to look away the times that mommy lied to him about things. Where the bank account went, where she was, the nights she never came home. How many affairs she had. Who what and why men called the house at all hours of the night. Why men were over the house when I was working to keep a roof over our heads. How the final straw was catching you in bed with another man. Oh I'm sure that you would like me to believe that it was somehow ok to have someone in our bed at 1:00am.

You may have left out the fact that when i kicked you out of the house, you had to go to the police three days later and claim that I hurt you. All of this because, your boyfriend's mother wouldn't let you stay there at her house. How that act almost got her Daddy put in jail. It was only a little lie, and besides, she has everything that she needs now.

You see though, I will be able to tell her, when she is old enough to handle the truth. Of course, you may think that it will be tough to prove this, you know after she has been spoonfed years of daddy-hate. Pesky thing about that trial, you didn't count on...trials are recorded and recordings are public record.

..and that $175.00(cost of court tapes) was the best investment I could have ever made. It really hurts me that someone could be that cold and calculating, but I do have advice for those Daddy's out there.

Stay strong for your kids, provide a positive Godly example, be there for your children, encourage them. Never ever speak badly of their mommy. I mean it, no matter what. Keep your cool.

Veritas!
BBoG

And sometimes, when nobody's looking....life's a peach.

2010-07-22T16:57:00.000-07:00

The sun even shines on a dog's ass occasionally, and the dog smiles.

Are you threatening me?

2010-07-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

Little varmints, with big attitudes. Waiting for you to speak out of line. Waiting for you to accidentally step on their little paws. Waiting for you to run out of milk bones. Waiting for ability to intersect opportunity....... and cut a bitch.

How lucky do you feel?

Weak Stomach

2010-06-07T15:46:00.001-07:00

So there I am cleaning up the kitchen after putting food down for my two pugs, the pug I am pug sitting for, and my Great Dane, Bruce. These little weasels act like they have never eaten before, even the Dane. They jump about and inhale their food, without tasting or chewing.

On to the real story, so there I am admiring how the pug that I was sitting for was trying to eat the tile off the floor, that is when I heard it. That unmistakable sound of stomach reversal. The Dane had thrown up on the small rug in the front room and was circling the hardwood to lay down another pile. By the time the noise stopped, there were three mountains of warm, bubbling retch! <gagg> I am gagging right now thinking of it! Well I knew that i had to clean it up, the question was with what? I knew that not only would papertowels not work, but I’d feel the warmth of the pile of wretch and probably contribute a fourth pile.

I decided to try plastic bags. I knew that it wouldn’t get on me, that way. I would likely feel the warm mess and puke anyhow, but I couldn’t leave it there to cool. As you may have guessed, If you have or have had pugs, that as soon as they have eaten, inspected each others bowls, and licked the ProPlan atoms off the surrounding floor, they inspect the Dane’s bowl. They noticed that although the “bowl” was empty, there were three piles of ABC Giant Breed Formula for the taking. I thought for a moment to push them away, then I turned away and let nature take its’ course.

In the spirit of disclosure, I shall admit to recording this act. It wasn’t lots of video, but it was all I could get before having to run to the bathroom in dry heaves.

P.S.

They are efficient little buggers! :)

AFTER

GluTTon

Open Doors

2010-01-29T15:36:00.000-08:00

OPEN DOORS
AND WHERE WE FIND GOD

"A brief discussion of faith and personal testimony"

I was once very broken. Every single thing in my life was falling down around me. Everything. I was in the midst of a bitter divorce and all of the turmoil that surrounds that. I was in a dead end job. As I looked upward to my future, I couldn't see through the storm clouds. I looked to my past and saw how I was brought up in a loving home. A home. From where I was, I couldn't imagine having my own home. I made to much to qualify for help and not enough to break out of paying other people's mortgages via renting. Many times I had gotton it into my head that I could break out of this cycle. I applied for better paying positions only to have doors slammed in my face. In the rare opportunity that I was given an interview I was promptly told that without a degree, I was not qualified.

So there I found myself, newly married, a young baby and no hope for a future outside of the struggle I have already known. The storm grew more fierce when the marriage fell apart. What little I had, was now taken away, for the most part. Doors were shut as promising careers ended. Although I had friends and family willing to support me, I was too consumed by my situation to notice. For several years, I was torn between emotions of clinging to the things I knew and was used to. Many reconciliations and breaks occurred during that time. This did not improve a thing for me. The only product of this clinging to the past was the creation of a rift between friends and family.

What happened next was a revelation. I turned my life over to Jesus Christ. Things did not instantly get better. I didn't expect them to. What I did do was start to change the way I lived. Day by day I learned to release the grip I had on my past and start seeking the right thing to do. I finally started to repair the connections with family. My mother, who was a strong Christian woman, taught me in all things to pray. Pray without cease. Enter into daily conversations with God. Although you may feel insignificant, God can be everywhere at once, and is more than available to chat. The journey has never been without bumps. It has never been without sadness.

Fast forward eight years. Today, I sat in my home office. Yes, I said it. My home office and re-read an email I sent to my mother and her response. The email was from two weeks before she was killed in a car accident. Even then I questioned God's plan. I was being faithful and waiting, but still was concerned that so many things were out of reach. I was being stretched thin working Full time nights and going to school full time. Often times being up for 25-26 straight hours trying to get through my final two semesters and still worried how I'd ever find a career that would allow me to to find a home with my new wife. I had recently applied to a position that I thought would bring that all into fruition. I was not given the position.

Even at that time, I still would cling to some of the past. To disappointment and let downs. From that moment on, I have totally abandoned that clinging.

Between that November 11, 2007 email and today, I have seen many doors shut. Many hopes vanish and many clouds. Through these times, I turned to God for answers and remained fully able to give over my worries, my hopes and my desires to Him.

Flash to only two years in the future, today. As I write this, I am overwhelmed with prayers of thanksgiving. Every single thing that had been taken from me, has been restored to me in abundance. The most important thing that I have gained was the ability to look back on all those storms and see the role they played.

What doors God has shut, no man can open. and What doors God has opened, no man can shut!

I leave you with this thought: Remember that even when the storms of life surround you, God is with you, He is waiting for you to ask for help.

<>< B

Cellphone's Don't Leave Them out

2010-01-12T19:55:00.000-08:00

So you got your cellphone jacked?

Unsuspecting, you left your cellphone in plain sight. Unattended...well that is until someone helped you out.

Try not to feel like an epic failure if possible. Look on the bright side, your $500 Apple iPhone wasn't jacked by your daughter. You didn't get the "What do you want me to do about it? I don't have an iPhone. I'm not buying you one!" from your ex-wife.

All you need to do is sit down with a nice tall icy glass of Fool. The first rule of fight-club is to admit that you made a bone-head move. You actually thought that you could leave out an expensive piece of electronic gadgetry without it growing legs and leaving. You also made the Fool mistake of underestimating the people that surround you. Temptation can get the better of people.

Conclusion:
1. You learned a valuable lesson
2. You don't have it half as bad as the one who stole it, in hopes of making a quick buck to support some sort of meth habit.

EOT

Via Con Diablos

2009-12-29T14:47:00.000-08:00

Catching Dog Shit - The best home videos are here

I wonder if Larry (The Pug) really understands how close he came to receiving XXIVII. He has been given several opportunities today to go out and to do his "Business" as it were. As I sat briefly on the couch, I caught him. He wasn't looking out the door and wining, as if to say, "Boy I am so sorry but I need to go out and drop a rotten spike. I know I have had three or four prior opportunities, but I could really use this opportunity to go out now and do it". No, this is not what happened. He circled, not for 20 minutes outside, or even near the door, he went over to the far corner of the room and squatted right there.

The funny thing is, even though I booted him in mid- pinch, he still had enough time to pinch off three loaves. I tell you he is one lucky Pug. This was no accident and he was not penned up for hours without the opportunity to make the right choice. This is a direct violation of house rules.

You may try and argue that he was trying to warn us. FOUL, PISH POSH. I saw no warning. All I saw was complete and utter disrespect. You may be curious why an animal like Larry would do such a thing? Here is the answer and we can draw real-world parallels. There is no deterrent. Without swift justice, there can be no change in behavior.

Larry has proven time and time again that he is D I R T Y. Growing up, dirty animals "went to the farm". In my later years I have come to the understanding that "going to the farm" was code for "Get the pipe", "ride the lightning" or be "put to sleep". Unfortunately for me and fortunately for the D I R T Y pug, my wife will not let this happen. She will be perfectly fine with bear-handing dog excrement with shopping bags and hosing down the Tan Berber carpet with Pet Stain Treatment. I on the other hand am quite upset with the dog treating this house like a toilet.

Although I will not be able to Pipe Larry, he will OBEY.
This is how.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/mpd/permalink/mB6BWBQ4W30MA

Via Con Dios

2009-12-28T07:34:00.000-08:00

You made the wrong choice. Perhaps the tail straightening procedure is just what the doctor ordered.

Better late than never.

2009-12-19T07:40:00.000-08:00

After 36 years, I have had an awakening. With this awakening comes a comparison. The comparison of what is, to what was once was, for so very long.

In this self-assessment, I was able to draw some important conclusions.

First, I realize I was in a constant state of restlessness. This comes from a mind full of random things, 24/7. A never-ending high speed movie of random images and content, played at 30x the regular speed.

This package comes complete with no “OFF” switch. No way to slow it down, tune it out, or pull the plug whatsoever. Now take a moment to think about this in your life, for as long as you can remember. Every single day of it.

Imagine reading something and not picking up the content. Now imagine having to read the same material a half dozen or more times to pick up the same content most people get on the first read.

Imagine someone talking to you, but the words are muted from a hodgepodge of background noise and disturbance.

Imagine this occurring in 80-90% of every casual conversation, training session, meeting, and phone call you have ever had in your life.

Imagine not being able to have prolonged conversations of any nature, with loved ones, friends and coworkers. Sit and talk with your wife? Better make it quick, there’s something else turning in the garbage grinder that is your mind. Patience? Forget about it. There can’t be patience when you can’t have peace, when your mind is worn out from a marathon of thoughts. Try to sleep? Better work yourself into exhaustion first.

Second conclusion, the HD part. I couldn’t sit still. Impulsive actions, songs, noises, dances, statements. You can imagine all the fun that must go with that. It’s funny when you’re a kid, not so much when you are an adult. It gets old.

I am experiencing peace for the first time in my life. And I love it. I think my wife loves the new me even more. No more never-ending high speed movie of random images and content, played at 30x the regular speed. We talk more now than ever, and I enjoy talking with her. We laugh together a lot more. We enjoy each other’s company more.

I can focus on what I choose to focus on. I haven’t had an impulsive urge to sing, dance, or make random noises since I took my first pill just a few days ago.

I wish I could sit down with you now Mum and talk, you’d be beside yourself in amazement. And like always, I’m sure we’d laugh until our cheeks hurt.

Thanks be to God
Num. 6:24-26

Thank You

2009-12-07T23:13:00.000-08:00

Thank You.

Nancy J. Stewart

Mom,

Thank you for believing in me. Especially those times when I was in doubt.
I wish that you could see me now. It all worked out. I actually have a home of my own, no more renting and moving about. We had our first Thanksgiving here and it was a blessing to have so many friends and family near. We took down our unity candle and it flickered on the table. Before we ate, I said grace and thanked the Lord for all of my blessings. So much has happened in the last two years. I am trying so hard to be there for Dad, but it makes me sad that I cannot be there all the time.

I wish you could just spend one more day and see all that has happend. No more falling asleep in class, no more 3rd shift. Shawn is struggling in school, but I know with prayer and a lot of patience, things will turn around. Corienne is doing great, all A's. Things are actually civil with Jenn and I and it feels good that way. We became members of a new church on Sunday. I know that you would like it there. The Lord is actually there, The church is a reconciliation church, which tries to live out Jesus' radical love through action and compassion. It was very nice to hear the pastor and many parishioners mention that our arrival was answered prayer. I never had doubts that the Lord makes moves for His glory. It seems that the gifts we possess, where just what was needed...imagine that, some God, huh?

I am feeling better now and actually need to go to bed and take my contacts out before they weld in my head. I love you and miss you deeply. I carry your memory and words with me always. I pray that God will always remind me that everything works to the Good, for His glory forever and ever. Thank you for showin me the path.

Your Loving Son,
BB

It's been a good run......

2009-12-07T13:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you have to look back and say “It’s been a good run” but it’s time to throw in the towel. At 36 years old, nobody wants to sit down with a head doctor and spill your guts. But it is necessary. It gets old, as you get old.
It is embarrassing to recall to a stranger all the things you do and have done on a constant basis that are not commensurate with your age. The silly songs, the kneeing of the nuts of family members and all other impulsive actions that go along with being ADHD.
Forgetting things, being unable to maintain attention for seconds at a time and foolish noises are just the surface of a much longer suffering. Some find it funny, but it isn’t. It’s an actual disorder.
It is harder when you are someone who believes you are control 100% of your own actions. That’s me. I am sorry for the trouble and headaches I have caused as a result of my actions over the years. I am a walking hypocrite. I have little patience; so I have little room or excuse for my own behavior.
My shout out’s start here: For my mother. An angel and saint. This woman had nothing but love and patience for the kid who was described by some as a discipline problem, incorrigible. Nobody could have had a better mother than I did. She would be proud to know I swallowed my pride and finally asked for help. Thanks Mom for your unfailing love. Dad, you are a trooper! Inheriting your patience level, I would have said that little Jimmy ran away, and hid the fresh dirt mound in the backyard as best I could if I were you.
It’s a bitch when you are self-aware. When you know you aren’t like everyone else, when you don’t behave “normally”.
I am categorized as “high-functioning”. By some’s standards, I have been relatively successful. I have compensated for my deficiencies with specialized routines, reminders and habits that have allowed me to band-aid my shortcomings in order to succeed. But you can only do so much. As we get older, it gets harder.
Here’s to new beginnings.

Sometimes we cross the streams

2009-12-04T17:28:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the winds of change blow in. Today was that day. Unfortunately for my nine year old son, Shawn, that day was today. Soon he would find out that his dear father had turned to the dark side of the force. I am by all rights, a card carrying member of the GCU(Good Cop Union). When strife and conflict occur, I am the one to step in and show mercy.

Today was a different day. On my way up the stairs I decided to enter Shawn's room. I do remember daily asking the wee lad if he had a clean room. I remember being specific too. ...
Nothing is laying in bags , or thrown into cabinets and stuffed into holes, right? The answer was never "No". It was "yup" or "lemme check". In the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that the duration of the "lemme checks" couldn't have been more than five minutes. As you can see by my snapshots above, It took me at least 20 minutes to fish legos and papers, crayons and gi joes from every hole and crevice in that room. I took a page from my mother's playbook. All the booty was placed on the bed in order to bring attention to what needed to be cleaned. I found papers and trinkits that could never have accidently found their way undernieth and behind his headboard. His bed is brand new and frankly beautiful. It has a cool headboard with built-in book case. I found books under the covers, on the floor behind his bed and in his closet. The books that made it to the book shelf looked like someone shot them out of a bazooka at the bookcase.

It was at this moment that I hatched the plan. He would never expect this in a million years. I spoke of my plans to the BCU(Bad Cop Union) leader, Alicia(My wife) over lunch later in the day. The plan was that I would set my macbook up on the headboard of Shawn's bed. I would aim the iSite camera at the doorway, careful to frame a partial of the mountain of "clean room" in the shot. I then hit broadcast and away it was to ustream.tv.(I love this stuff!!!)

**Side Note. I mean really, 5 years ago, who could have imagined that I would be able to capture this stuff live with FiOS and a Macbook. *** End of Side Note.

So Alicia and I sat in my home office in front of my Windows 7 desktop and had the feed up on one monitor and Facebook on the other. The tension was incredible. When Shawn arrived home from school, he was smiley as always. he even was bold and commented about the aroma of Mom's delicious chilli, which was warming on the stove. I asked Shawn to put down his backpack because I had a surprise for him. I had left a surprise for him in his room. He had to try and guess what it was first. He smiled and guessed a skateboard rack(side note. the stinkin skateboard was under the rubble on his bed, too! funny how it had a nice little home in the pool shed.) I told him, "Good guess, but it's much bigger!" After hearing this I could see him leaping for joy inside. He must have been thinking wow golly, I can't believe this. I have lied my tail off about everything, brought terrible grades home from school and I get a huge surprise!?

I told him that there were rules. He could go up and see, but not touch. Then he had to come down stairs and write on two index cards, what he thought of the surprise and how he felt. The following is a link to the video You may want to skip to approx. 13:20 in the video :

If the video doesn't render properly, check it out at http://www.ustream.tv/lolconcepts

Below you will find the index cards

Exploring The Auditory Canal of 4th Graders

2009-12-02T17:04:00.000-08:00

Above is a diagram of a healthy inner ear. I can only conclude that after spending every weekday sitting at the kitchen table across from my 4th grade son that at this age, damage to the inner ear occurs.

My theory stems from the content of the conversation that appears Matrix-esque, dotted with de ja vu. Each interaction with the boy goes like this;

Parent: "So what's this i see in your bag?"
Boy: "I don't know."
Parent: "I thought you didn't have spelling words."
Boy: "I didnt have time to write them down." sniff sniff
Parent: "Oh and look at this, there is even a need little ink stamp that says "FOLLOW DIRECTIONS"
Boy: sniff sniff
Parent: "...and look at this word...you misspelled it three different ways."
Boy: "I thought it was right"
Parent: "The word is in the question you were answering."
Boy: "I didn't see it"
Parent: "Is this your best handwriting?"
Boy: "No"
Parent: "Why did you do it then?"
Boy:"I don't know"
Parent:"What kind of answer is,"I thought it was good, because she wanted to do it after they all went over to that place."
Boy"I don't know"
Parent:"Did you even read this?"
Boy:"Yes"
Parent:"Go to your room and think about this"

After being lied to time and time again and the boy forgetting something that was explained to him just moments ago, leads to one conclusion...inner ear damage or the need for a surgically installed helmet.

EOT

BONG!

2009-12-02T10:50:00.000-08:00

It was bound to happen. A dozen homes, a bazillion dollars, supermodel wife, family, adoring fans and to top it all off, the ability to say “ I don’t have a single worry in the world.” Now with that said: Lets go get some strange!!

What was this dumf_ck thinking?

I know people with jobless wives, carrying around an extra 20-70lbs to boot, they don’t have much in life except the opportunity to get some strange when it presents itself. What do they do? They go home to their jobless wives, carrying around an extra 20-70lbs, that’s what they do, they go home and swing the club on their own green. It ain't Turtle Bay, but it's home.

Is his business my business? Absolutley not……….but bitch please! Give me 1% of the money he INVESTS each month, and I will feel like Leo on the bow.

And I’ll take a pass on the strange, thanks.

"Lifetime" Guarantees

2009-11-30T11:24:00.000-08:00

Spray on siding, now peeling off of a house in Grafton VA. Super light bulbs standing dormant in a Whitman MA kitchen light fixture. German made shammy's that seem more waterproof than absorbent in Peoria IL. The unbreakable comb in every junk drawer on earth. What do these things all share in common? They all sport a "Lifetime Guarantee or your Money Back".

The real commonality in these things is simple, the parent company hopes you won't bother to call them on their promise when their product (hereafter referred to as "shit") breaks; or they will be out of business by the time you do. Believe.

I am to the point where I would rather buy something with a 60 second guarantee than a product toting a "promise" of a lifetime guarantee. That way I wouldn't feel like the receiving end of a Spanish Sled when the aforementioned shit takes it's terminal dump in the middle of "guaranteed" functionality.

Paychecks

2009-11-29T07:33:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered why you even bother going through the motions of receiving a paycheck?

I too often wonder why. I mean lets consider. You slave through work in order to receive said paycheck. You get to temporarily see the check, or perhaps even hold it in your hand. No No, don't go getting carried away, because then you must go to that little bill basket that is holding the wall up in the front room. Soon you discover that all that money you thought you had, is purely a dream.

Sure, you may say that I am "squeeming" just a tad too loud. You may be right. after-all, I do have a nice home, with nice things, food on the table and cars in the driveway. All this costs. As does the monthly educational installments that are scheduled to conclude 6 months before the house is paid off.

Looks like there needs to be another blog posting about the cost of higher education in this country.

-gluTTon

Happy Thanksgiving! Doom on you PETA.

2009-11-28T14:36:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all, I hope you had a good time and good food with family and friends. Thanksgiving is a day to give thanks and a day to get together. A day that only carries on through the base concept of thanks and tradition. Speaking of tradition, has anyone seen the latest drivel in the form of a "Pro-Vegetarian" commercial that PETA has attempted (and failed) to get aired during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade?

If you see this commercial, you will be subjected to an impotent attempt to sway you and everyone else from eating turkey. In keeping with PETA’s common theme of misplaced effort, you won’t be disappointed; they haven’t strayed from it.

This time, you are invited to the Thanksgiving table of some random family, and a sweet little girl is saying grace. The girl gives a detailed list of thanks for the mistreatment of turkeys in turkey farms. The family members seated around the table gave looks of shame as the list of turkey mistreatment was rattled off by little Suzy.

Now I can’t speak for all Americans, but I will say this; I don’t agree with animal abuse. I don’t condone it, I don’t support it, and I certainly don’t take part in it. Does this mean I am going Vegan, certainly not.

Now my question to PETA is this? Did you expect America to watch that commercial on Thanksgiving Day and subsequently be moved to throw the turkey in the trash, and order up soy meatloaf au gratin for the family seated at my table?

Well done. Please pat yourself on the back, but first pass the gravy.

Forgetabou.....YOUR LUNCH

2009-03-06T19:03:00.000-08:00

Forgot Your Lunch Again?

Yes my friends, I suffer from this. I have come to the realization. It is futile to remember, it will "fall off your chip™" We guys have so much to remember, passwords, skills, commands, programming languages....Unfortunately some things have a lower priority on the chip, such as verbal commands, from high decibel sources, and our lunches.

Scientists are now discovering more about the "chip™". They are realizing that synaptic birth is finite and once your limit has been reached, you simply must purge. Empty the recycle bin, or do as most of us do. Impliment a tuning policy to discard certain information before it makes it to the cerebral cortex. So there it is my friends...Its not the end of the world, you forgot your lunch!

When is it necessary to request help?

2009-01-24T19:34:00.000-08:00

It may appear to start harmlessly enough. When that cool 80's song comes on the radio, you may feel your leg start to twitch. This is all normal for ordinary people. It is not normal to start full on spastics once the riff hits, however. When you hear that song on the radio and your natural animalistic tendency is to seek out the closest human smaller than yourself and inflict bodily harm and annoyances, then my friend you need help.

When you find it necessary to call family and friends on their mobile devices and when they don't answer, leave messages claiming that you are from some established credible organization.... You need to seek treatment. This is especially evident when after a soft tone in your conversation you spike the decibels up to ear bleeding with such buzz words as "HAAAA!"

If any of the above scenarios seem all too familiar, I urge you to do the right thing. Clear your mind of all false hopes that you will make Gummy Bear Juice from Gummy Bears (Even Black Forrest Ones) in a shot glass. Abandon hope of creating chocolate sauce from morsals....It will only succeed in ruining a good measuring cup. If you were to purchase a HAA Click Oink Snapp Woo Hoo, do not tell your mother about it. This scar leaves a lasting mark.

...Lastly I must tell you , if you have the urge to handcuff younger sibling's hands behind there backs and push them face first into the lawn or even out of the blue knee your own father in the jewels, you need to do society a 'solid' and check into the local shrinks couch for a few one-on-ones.

P.S.
Don't mention that you hear voices in you head, some people actually answer yes to that one.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Dealing with Ex-Wives Part I

2008-11-30T13:32:00.000-08:00

Hey, lets face it....There is a reason that she is the "EX". For me the reason was that she was a liar a cheat and a thief. Hmmm, can you get any worse?

I suppose if you add in the fact that she is self-centered and hasnt matured past the ripe age on 17. I mean come one, grow up. If you find the need to make a spectacle of a serious conversation to everyone around you just to feel like your the grownup, you my friend are an epic fail.

Sometimes as the sane, mature one, you have to step back and realize that they are fighting against the unstoppable hands of a ticking clock and it makes them angry. Angry with you for hopefully moving on and having a vision for a future, and also angry with herself for relying on the ever dwindling free money train (FMT). Face it little lady. One spring day you will have to wake up. Like the rest of us, get dressed and go to a job. Yup.. a REAL job, which expects you to follow directions, do what your told and report on time when you are scheduled to be there. A good portion of your money will go to pay your own health insurance and to pay taxes. Oh...i'm sorry, you actually are supposed to pay taxes on money that you get, not just get free money and refunds on the non-existant taxes that you have paid. You will go to the mailbox and open up the bills from the utilities, car, electricity and water. These people will expect you to pay them with what you have left over after the insurance and taxes are taken out. You will go to the grocery store and the gas station and be expected to somehow find the money with what's left after the bills to put gas in your car and food on the table.
So you see. this is not so easy when you have to earn money for yourself. This my little friend will be hard for you to swallow, yes it will be for the first time in your life, hard. You'll probably have to work a nasty, unpleasant overnight shift as well as another parttime job. I feel sorry for you, but that very same instant will be the one in which I begin my life. You see, these 18 years I have learned what work is. What it really takes to sacrifice. I have expanded my skills, obtained a college education and life experience, which you are just now going to learn. I have learned to make due with what I had left, and plan on enjoying so much more happiness not having to struggle so much in these years to come.
You see, you have had your opportunity. The opportunity to rise to maturity, to work with me and to really excel. Instead you have chosen to rely on someone else, squander opportunity and snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory. For you, I am truly sorry. I have tried everything I could to work with you, but you have thought only about yourself.

Lesson:

"There are no do-overs in life, set grudges and disagreements aside and take opportunies where they are."

-BB

THE PLAIN TRUTH ~ "Changing - Why It Doesn't Work"

2008-10-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

If you think that ppl change your kidding yourself. If you got involved with someone under the false hope of changing them, then your just gullible or worse, a raving idiot. In my personal experience, this is a false hope for many out there. Whether its' a friend a spouse or even a bf/gf.

It's truly sad that we must submit to this notion of unchanging, but lets face it. This person has probably had these same bad habits and quirks for many many years. Dont think that you'll change them. Geesh, maybe they dont agree that there is a problem, houston. Maybe they recognize the malfunction and refuse to change.

My advise is, dont think that you can change someone. It never works. If you are a glutton for punishment then be my guest and keep on keeping on. Try your little heart out, but in the end you will come crwling back to this post and recognize this for what it is.

THE PLAIN TRUTH.
BB

Freeloaders,Leaches, and Turds, oh my!

2008-09-29T20:24:00.000-07:00

Ever notice that bums are very clever in that they will slowly ease themselves into your life without you realizing they are a parasitic soul-sucker? They start off harmless enough in appearance, they may have even helped you by watching your pets while you went on vacation, or cut your lawn. Shit, they may have even brought a 12-pack of beer over to your house and left a can behind as a show of their selflessness. But that’s how they get in. Now once they are in, they embed themselves like a tick, and slowly suck your life force away like a 3rd world case of high pressure diarrhea.

These people count on our good upbringing and polite demeanor to keep them from hitting the curb in the ass over teakettle hip toss that they really deserve. These oxygen to CO2 conversion plants are so great in number, that you yourself have undoubtedly fallen victim to them.

Here are some warning signs for you to watch for:

1. You are cooking food and they somehow smell your cooking 2 towns away and show up uninvited.
2. They throw a log thru your antique gas pump out of anger because you ran out of food; a week later they come back feeling you have had ample time to “get over it”. (see W/S #1)
3. After a cookout and they have already show up uninvited and eaten enough for 4 guests, they come back with Tupperware to take back some “leftovers”. When you tell them that you have nothing more for them, they chuck the Tupperware over the fence into your neighbors yard (that has a job) and stomp off cursing you.
4. Their parents don’t want them hanging out at their house (after the kids are over 40, I tend to support that feeling) so they come over to your house to waste time since their “asshole parents” wouldn’t let them keep a tree fort. At which time they borrow your stuff, break it or never return it. They drink your beer, eat your food, stay too long and alienate your normal friends that actually have jobs, common sense, and personal property worth over $25. These types are the black knights of leeching. Politely obtain a restraining order.

I hope this helps. I need a cold compress from the pain of sharing.

-Junk

Junk Wisdom

2008-09-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

1. Entering your account information on the phone, is nothing more than an excersise in futility; after you wait on hold for another 45 minutes, a call center person will ask you for it again.

2. When someone asks if they can ask you something “off the record”, say no.

3. Gummy Bears when microwaved, DO NOT become “Gummy Bear Juice.”

4. A shot glass filled with Gummy Bears after being subjected to 350 degree microwave heat WILL explode when immediately quenched with 50 degree cold water from the sink.

5. A fart is nothing more than a turd in sheep’s clothing. Believe.

6. Call center personnel really don’t give a shit how you feel, ever.

7. If you decide to fall down the steps of a 250 year old barn, try not to be impaled on the rusty nails that penetrate the inside walls from retaining the shingles on the opposite side of said barn.

8. A toy machine gun, while made of plastic, can smash a living room window.

9. Some people need a disclaimer like “Hot coffee burns” on their coffee cups. Once upon a time, silver spray paint didn’t have a warning such as “Point nozzle away from face before spraying.”

~Junk

Sharting,Ex-Wives and other unfortunate events

2008-09-29T20:18:00.000-07:00

Let’s touch on unpleasant things that we’d rather keep to ourselves. For the sake of healing, sometimes we simply need to take a deep breath, clench our teeth and toss the 50 pound sack of putrid shit on the table and deal with what comes out when you loosen the draw string.

One double edged sword is that of the ex wife. It’s good that they are your ex, and not your current spouse……….agreed. But the flip side is that they are your ex and may still to some degree have to interface with you…..ouch. You just want the ride to stop so you can get off and take a nice cleansing vomit for yourself and gather your thoughts….or suppress them.

One thing I was taught in my ethics class was about how some folks will commit heinous acts and then come to the realization that what they did just wasn’t cool. This realization is but a 1/100000000 of a second worth of thought. The next chunk of time is spent coming up with an alternate reality to justify said act so the individual can look at themselves in the mirror every day without sensing the immediate need to slit their wrists for the good of mankind.

Before I ramble, I’ll leave you with this: When the ex decides to bang your best friend, drain your bank account, sells everything you own, steals your kids AND THEN treats you like you are the root cause of the world’s problems and gets a judge to hammer the bung out of the bottom of you; don’t feel like the Lone Ranger. Don’t blame yourself, don’t hire a contract killer, just know that in the end, they will account for what they did. Just like you and I will have to account for what we have done. Vengeance ain’t yours home skillet. As much as we want it to be, it ain’t ours; believe that.

Chances are, your ex wife will make someone else a nice ex wife one day too. Then you will have someone else to have something in common with. You may even be able to counsel him and make him(and yourself) feel better.

Given the choice, I’ll take the sloppy shart in public, during a meeting, wearing white pants with no drawers underneath. I’m sure you’ll agree.

Sharing complete, I’m out.

~Junk

F#ck You Dulles!

2008-09-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

I used to laugh at the funny pics of people getting “OWNED!” on that particular website, it used to humor me, until I was owned myself. By whom you might ask? By Dulles airport that’s who. United Airlines had a hand in it too, so piss on them as well. It started off with a mechanical problem with my plane. We couldn’t board on time, but would be “kept up to date.” As I sat there waiting to be “kept up to date”, the announcing system was rambling off requests for people to give up their seat because the plane was overbooked as well. I had to ask someone what was being said because I couldn’t understand the dialect being spoken.

Not known to many, but after Miss Cleo’s psychic business took a shit in her turban, she went to work announcing gibberish at Dulles airport. So 30 minutes later, I learn that the flight is no longer on the screen. So curious, I investigate. “Your flight just left, you missed it.”, is what I got from the customer service desk. No announcement that we were boarding? No,”Mr Stewart please board the plane.” Nothing. And when I asked point blank why there was NO announcement whatsoever, I was given “Well 48 people boarded the plane.” WTFO? What does that mean? So here’s your next flight, four hours later, at 4:30 pm. “I can’t print your boarding pass so go to the computer kiosk and reprint your card.” Little did I know, you CAN’T FRIGGEN REPRINT A BOARDING PASS IF YOUR ASS MISSED YOUR FLIGHT AND WERE REBOOKED. So I get on the little black phone and wait for the person who doesn’t giveashit on the other end to pick it up. When that person answered, I am not only told that I cannot print a boarding card from the machine, but the person working the desk never rebooked me; and oh by the way, the next flight you have a chance at getting on now is at 10:30pm.

Side note: Next time you are in the airport, look at those kiosks by the gates for the computer based customer service and note the black phones. They look like someone used them as a framing hammer to build 200 houses. The receiver hooks, if they are even still attached, look as if they caught every fastball thrown in the entire history of baseball.

So like I was saying, I gently hung up the phone like everyone else who was awarded the “Pork Sword Award” from United, and worked my way back to the nice lady who “helped” me. After hinting that I would rather spend the next 10 hours in a holding cell than sit in this pissedthefuckoffstate at the airport waiting for someone to grow some giveshit, she found a computer to print my boarding card for the 4:30 flight. Thanks. So go to gate C14; which is across BFE’s western border. Off I go.

After getting shuttled over there, and waiting for a few hours, Miss Cleo’s little brother finds a microphone and says the gate has shifted…..and get this, right back to where I started in terminal A. You can’t make this shit up people.

So I go back, and wait another hour. And we get to board, I sit down in the pissandshit smelling seat you get when you are seated in the last row and the toilet is broken.. Then suddenly, as if echoing my hope in the airline, I hear the APU wind down and give up the ghost.

Junkipedia: APU (n) Auxiliary Power Unit. A small gas turbine engine used to generate electrical power for the plane. Things like A/C, lights, and broken airplane lavatories that smell like a tenured port-a-potty at the Big Dig use electricity provided from this piece of equipment.

So then moments later from the flight deck PA: “Uh thanks for bearing with us but the route we are set to take is shut down for weather, we expect to be able to take off at about 8pm, so we need you to deplane.” At this point, I was looking for Ashton Kutcher to come barreling out of the shitter and tell me I was Punk’d. But the only thing that came from the airplane dunny was the same odor of feces and urine I had smelled all along.

Do you ever wonder what the circumstances are surrounding an event, when you read about crazy assholes losing their mind at an airport and doing outlandish shit that cause them to be tazered and arrested?

I don’t anymore. I know. And please, don’t taze me bro.

So I deplane, and realize that there are now close to 300 people in line at the customer service desk, just waiting for someone behind the desk to cop an attitude so they can be famous on the evening news. It seemed as though everyone was getting the “ Dulles Blue Plate Special.” So knowing I had a few more hours of waiting, I go for a walk to get away from the desk, and gate. I tell my buddy I was traveling with to call me if something changes. After I walk about 30 minutes away, I get a call. “Hurry man, we are boarding NOW”.

Ever wear flip-flops so you don’t have to screw with taking off shoes for the security checkpoint? Ever try to run 30 minutes worth of strolling back to a gate in flip-flops? Stab a paring knife into your calves and start running in normal shoes, that’s about as close as you will ever get to duplicating it. I made it the first 100 yards before I took them off and ran Kenyan marathon style back to the gate. Escalators really weren’t meant to run down without footwear on either. But you do what you have to do.

Junk wisdom: If you can avoid flying through Dulles, do yourself a solid and avoid it. Consider a pack mule if you have no other alternative. The golden age of airlines has come and gone folks. Customer service is a lost art, seldom practiced in today’s age; and never at the airport. At the airport, the customer service sign is used because it isn’t “PC” to display a sign that reads “The Circle Jerk Begins Here.”

I made the plane and got to my final destination, tired, weary, and stinking like that toilet in the back, but I got there. Doom on you Miss Cleo, and your brother. You couldn’t stop me. Doom on you Dulles airport for throwing me a side of beef and asking me how I liked it. If I had a rape whistle, I would have worn it out that day.

Thank you Lord for getting me here in one piece, and keeping me from being tazed.